Part of me...

Irritated mind. Fights arise.

Disappointed time. No rhyme.

Hours on the phone. Searching for answers.

Blogging here. Scribbling fears.

Want to be heard. A want so absurd.

A want unwanted. A want curbed.

I am lost. Searching within.

I am the answer. But where am i hidden?

Asked many. Consulted a few.

Believed one. And that is you.

You are what is keeping me alive.

You are the one who thinks I'm not naive.

When I think of the time spent with you,

I have a huge smile on my face.

Your glimpse makes me feel like living,

Once again in this filthy life of race.

You complete me in every way,

You steal my sleep and peep in the dreams of the day.

This is what helps me move on,

For if it wasn't for you, I would be torn.

The love bug has bitten me and if this is the pain,

I'd pet one and make him bite me again.

For being in love with someone like you,

Makes my life blissful too.

I'm aware of your end of the story,

And it makes me feel like I owe you a 'sorry'.

Cause today I'm Ok with not having you,

But I don't promise it'll be the same tomorrow too.

My mind is instable and heart is in love.

I know it's the wrong equation and I know it's tough.

All I'm trying to do is not let myself give in to you,

But I am losing it, what can I do?

Maybe I'm making things worse than they are.

You is all I think of every second, minute and hour.

Maybe this isn't the right way to say,

But face-to-face with you is like eyes shut to pray.

I hope this is the right way to think.

Because I don't want to break this link.

I am falling for you and happily doing so.

Knowing this isn't what you want, even though.


I am you and you me,

And that for me is how it's meant to be.

Kanchan

The proposal..

The moment.

Heart stopped. Feelings controlled.

Gasping hard. Tightened hold.

Love freed. Nagging ignored.

Confession made. Liberation mode.

Beats increase. Hopeful eyes.

Oddity throbbing. Fear dies.

Lips unsealed. Words Unfold.

Staggered reaction. Toes cold.

Upbeat retort. Content cries.

Embraced bodies. Griping highs.

Without drugs. Touching skies.

Journey begins. Eye to eye.

Hand in hand. Walking ahead.

Promises made. Heard and said.

Smiles widen. Twinkling gaze.

Path to love. Endless maze.

Lives unite. Fun-filled chase.

Nights sleepless. Dreamy days.

Color red. Hearts around.

Lengthy bills. Bonding bound.

Pampering talks. Mushy sound.

Feel belonged. Solace found.


I am now. I aint no more. You have me now. Will love you more.

This is it. In my hand. I am all yours. From the core.

Kanchan

Numb..

Empty fingers. Broken dreams. Sore eyes. Fake beams.

Clingy thoughts. Shattered hopes. Fulfilled pain. Endless ropes.

Fathomless questions. Answers few. Piercing void. Helpless clue.

Distressed body. Wandering soul. Baffled mind. Lost control.

Quaint sorrow. Exerted tries. Curiosity killing. Painful cries.

Feelings flow. Anger gushed. Crimping toes. Voices hushed.

Scorching tears. Faithless wants. Wait prolonged. Time haunts.

Wet lashes. Arid maw. Puffed lids. Unseen saw.

Envious lover. Prized foe. Love chastised. Closed door.

Unrequited query. Deciphered flaw. Insatiable need. Unbreakable law.

Seized smile. Relentless weep. Freedom nagged. Penetrating deep.

Meaningless worry. Unwilling steps. Footprints engraved. Darkened depth.

Incurable wounds. Heart hurt. Silence speaks. Without blurt.

I can’t explain how sad I am… Because I don’t know myself what is the scam.

How I wish I could express to you where I stand, if only you could help me in no man’s land.

Until today I was in a phase where I saw no loss and no winning a race.

I am no more and I never was. I am going numb without a cause.

Lost.. Yet Home..

2:30 AM. Sleeplessness. Disturbance. Discomfort. Dawn.

That day she was diverted. She realized the reason she couldn't concentrate. She needed to tell him. She needed to tell herself. She needed to confess. She needed to own up. For weeks that felt like ages she had clogged herself from telling him how much she loved him. But she had to let it out. Someday. She decided that day would be today.

Confession. Silence. Tears.

She cried. She wept. Sniveled in his arms that night. She wasn't sad. There was no remorse anymore. She had finally told him all about how she felt. He held her tight telling her he was there, right beside her. She had said it. Silence broke.

"Since when?", he asked. "Does it matter?", she retorted.

Eyes red from crying she whispered in his ears hugging him, "I hope I haven't spoiled anything we had. I don't want my feelings to be a hitch in any way. I know you don't feel the same way for me." (Knowing what she said was the truth killed her inside)

With eyes filled with water, he held her hand and said, "I love you even more now, sleep well." They left for home. She dint sleep that night, she dreamt.

The sun was shining bright again and she woke up to a new morning feeling new and completely different. She asked herself, "Is this what love does to you? Does everything really seem to be too perfect to be true?" She was filled with contentment to bother to answer anything anymore now.

She was lost. Lost in love. Yet she was home. It was her dwelling place now. She resided in love and love resided in her. Knowing that love wasn't reciprocated from the other end, she was happy. Content. Blissful. She loved UNCONDITIONALLY. She was love. She is. Love doesn't always come with a companion practically, it is one itself.

Lost.. Yet home..

The world lies... WITHIN ME.

The day begins..

Like everyday, I'd get up and stretch my arms. Do my daily morning activities and buzz off to college. Get back home for lunch and rush to work. After work I'd get to class for studies and catching up with my other half, FRIENDS! Somewhere in the midst of all this there would come that one moment in the whole day when I'd stop and think, re-think about love and my life and I'd abruptly leave that thought there, unanswered.

That thought, that question.. was.. always unanswered. It left me.. Helpless. A Void. Something that nothing could fit into. Nothing was wrong, yet nothing was right. I knew right then, Introspection was to begin. When I'd be with someone, it'd feel good but momentary. It wasn't him, i knew. I wanted to love, wanted to be loved. Vulnerable. Fragile. That was me then. I would fall asleep with an incomplete essay of questions in my head.. yet to be finished. Everyday I'd wake up and go to sleep after one more day of struggle to seek for that love, that answer to everything that could possibly exist in my life.

I had almost given up on venturing and taking risks with different answers, until one morning when I was wide awake in my dreams I saw love, I touched love, I felt love, I was in 'love'.. I saw the answer right in front of me.. I wanted to hold it back when I woke up but no it had all vanished away with the unconsciousness i was in then. I wanted to go back to sleep and see him.. see love.. See the man I love.. But.. Helpless again i stood.

With that image I moved ahead with the day at least with the hope of finding him sometime i my life. After a few weeks of COMPLETE CONFUSION and a DILEMMA of questions and handful experiences with people and answers, I reached a point of saturation. I was blank. Thoughtless. It was 4:00 AM and I wasn't sleepy. That was my moment, i realized who i was looking for. That nothingness was the answer itself. The answer existed in my mind ever since but all the other things had filled the space to see anything clearly. I knew the answer since always. It is him. I know. It was time to clean up. I am love and always was in love with him. ♥

We all have our answers. WITHIN US. We just need to pick up the broom and give our mind some rest.

Memory...

And so she left, leaving a memory.
There was a time when she completed me, there was a time when time dint pass without her presence, there was a time when I hardly realized it was 6 AM and I was yet on the phone, there was a time when I stopped the world for her, there was a time when I cried my eyes out to her, there WAS a time.
How many of us have someone like this? Or may I call it ‘best friend’. Who stays with you forever and ever? How much can you expect from someone? How much can someone live it up to you? Can you be there without wanting them to be there for you in return? Can you not feel ashamed of being a burden on someone? Can someone make you feel like you aren’t a burden on them? Can you always be the one to give and not want? Do you think best friends really do exist? How much can you trust someone with your life? Can you be completely honest with anyone?
If the answer to the last question is ‘yes’ then you deserve a clap! If the answer to the first question is ‘yes’ then you’ve been blessed! If the answer to the first question is ‘yes’, and to the last one is ‘no’ then you are wasting that relationship!
It is so human of me to ask so many questions. But I’m not asking you, I’m asking myself and I’m telling you to ask yourself! Are we true to ourselves when we say I can say anything and everything to ‘xyz’ person? Can we stop deceiving ourselves for once? Cause it really doesn’t help!

She came in my life to ‘be’… She came to be my guardian angel… She came when I really needed someone! Is that why she is so important to me? Is it just that much? Am I THIS close to her because of the downs in my life? Would it be someone else if it wasn’t for her? How can I think like this about her… No No, I can’t! She’s been there when I had to cry, she’s been there when my hopes had given up on me… when I dint see another way out except for death! What she left behind was an obligation. Well I know it isn’t appropriate to say she’s obliged me but that’s what it feels like now, with all the distance growing… I hate being away! I hate her leaving! Why does she have to go? Doesn’t she give me that importance? Don’t I come first for her like the way she does? Oh my god, I’m EXPECTING things from her! That’s wrong!
Expecting anything from her spoilt my relationship with her. I raped it! I blame myself! I am responsible!
She left because of me, leaving a memory!

My Mother...

This is for my mother, who made me.

Not all of us know how much it takes out of a woman to give birth to a child. In fact, we cant even think of what she goes through unless we do it ourselves! Can we really thank them enough? No. Nothing fills in for that. Nothing compensates. And most of all, she wouldn't want us to repay her. I read this somewhere at a random place, 'A child gives birth to a mother.' It stayed with me for long. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Isn't it true? If there wasn't a child to be born, a mother wouldn't exist either!

How many times does one tell their mother how much she is loved? I dint as often as one should have. And its the biggest mistake in my life. Say it out loud, she's here. You cant do any better than telling her you love her. She's going to feel content. If you don't, the day you'll lose her will be the day you'll be saying it louder than you cried when you were a child. Trust me! You'll regret it all your life. Being a mother is not just another responsibility. One cant even imagine how far a mother may go for her child. And its not an obligation. A father may support the child and all what he is 'suppose to do' as a father which is commendable too. But a mother is not 'suppose to do' anything. She just does it, without question or answer, without reason or justification. She's just there behind you when you fall turning back and she keeps a hand on your shoulder and says, "Its alright!"

My mother is no more with me today in this world but I know she 'IS'. And I know some people may call this deception or rather may say, I'm trying to comfort myself but it doesn't matter. Because I know deep down, she is there, still there! I can and I do talk to her. Its nothing magical. Its because she's 'My Mother'. :) And no one in this world would hate themselves more when they realize they lost their chance to tell their moms, 'I love you ma'. Its not so hard, if you think it is then its going to be harder to forgive yourself in later life.

I would hate to write, 'Please realize the importance of a mother'. But do realize that saying, 'Mom, you are important to me' may help. If after reading this, you did feel even for a moment that what I am trying to say is right, please go and give your mother a tight hug and tell her how lucky you are to have her around and that nobody in this world loves her more than you do! :)

And like always, Love doing it!

-Kanchan :)

(P.S:- If anyone at all is offended, I Apologize. Through this article, I'm not trying to tell you my plight, but just trying to tell everyone, You don't get another chance.)